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[Mykro]

And you know it's not about him either, he has no nuts
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[|DRC| Iceman]

Mykro, I think SLIM has some rox with your name on them though

[LideIN]

|DRC| Blackshark wrote:

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two funny games for our alcoholics
http://www.wagenschenke.ch/HomeRun.swf
http://www.wagenschenke.ch/hangover.htm

Marblecake

Cool games

[LideIN]

Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue...

[|DRC| Death]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[|DRC| Iceman]

I'll have to say it was a long joke, but well worth the read!

[Mykro]

I've heard that one..it's awesome, gets people riled up lol

[|DRC| Blackshark]

haha

btw death how old are you?

[|DRC| Death]

not old enough to be posting that to be fair, but I like it.

[OLDie]

Try this out - http://www.crapville.com/video_holder.asp?ID=713 an unbelieveable Marionette - I tried to throw him a saw buck - dam monitor got in the way
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The Harder You Work The Luckier You Get!

[|DRC| Iceman]

|DRC| OLDie wrote:

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Try this out - http://www.crapville.com/video_holder.asp?ID=713 an unbelieveable Marionette - I tried to throw him a saw buck - dam monitor got in the way

Look its Bones!!! Nice find OLDie!

[|DRC| Iceman]

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[|DRC| Wartex]

This one is so bad it makes me ROFL:

Girl gets off the bus. Someone says: "Hey lady, you forgot your bag!"
She says: "Allakh Akbar!"
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[|DRC| Wartex]

What is the difference between a roadkilled lawyer and a roadkilled dog? In dog's case there are skid marks.

[|DRC| Wartex]

Somewhere in africa, black man got stranded in the desert. He was exhausted, barely walking he came upon a genie lamp. He rubbed it and genie appeared, said he will grant 3 wishes. The black man said: I want to be white, I want to have plenty of water, and I want all women undress before me. And that instant he became a toilet bowl in a public restroom.

[|DRC| Iceman]

I think he should have been a little more specific

[|DRC| Iceman]

The following is a MicroSoft customer care call:


"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f.ing stupid to own a computer.

[|DRC| Death]

N1 Iceman!

[|DRC| Wartex]

This was a call to Corel, not Microsoft, and it's about Wordperfect text editor.

[|DRC| Iceman]

http://gwbush.planzo.com/

[Mykro]

That's awesome lol

[|DRC| SLIM]

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

[|DRC| Iceman]

SLIM you have a way with words

[|DRC| Marblecake]

I always said pitbull chewing mayo.
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"Shrink" Are you a assasin? "Me" Assasin sounds so exotic. Im just a murderer.

[|DRC| Iceman]

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper is down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said,"Boss
this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This is not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into this office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly notices that his zipper is undone. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally goes out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. He is planning to have a little fun with her. When he reaches her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?" The secretary smiles a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires".

[|DRC| Iceman]

The newest spam in my inbox:

Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[|DRC| Wartex]

Having sex with "easy" girls and then calling oneself a "pimp" is alike taking many baths at home and calling oneself a professional deep sea diver.

[|DRC| Marblecake]

I prefer scuba technician. Dont ever make fun of me again...

[|DRC| Iceman]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked

for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[|DRC| Death]

PWNED!

[|DRC| SLIM]

This Cheesy joke is for death
You hear about the guy that fell into the lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.

A Catholic priest, a child molester and a rapist walk into a bar. And that's just the first guy.

The shortest joke in the world:
A baby seal walks into a club.

[|DRC| SLIM]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?