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JOTD (Joke of the day) post your shit here!

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|DRC| Wartex

Friday, April 22 2005, 02:16:16 #24773     JOTD (Joke of the day) post your shit here!

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight....PROMISE! Well, the hours passed away quickly, and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3:00 am, drunk as a skunk, I arrived home and just as soon as I got in the front door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized that she would probably wake up, so I cuckood another 9 times! I was really proud of my accomplishment! Having such a snappy, witty solution to avoid a possible severe conflict with the wife. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got home. I said "At midnight, like I promised". She didn't seem disturbed at all. "Got away with that one" I thought to my brilliant self. Then she said that we need a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, " Well, last night it cuckooed three times, then said 'oh f**k', cuckooed four more times, cleared its' throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, then cuckooed twice more, then farted".

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|DRC| Wartex

Friday, April 22 2005, 02:19:09 #24774     

Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
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|DRC| Iceman

Friday, April 22 2005, 03:15:46 #24778     Forgive Your Enemies

Forgive Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, a Minister asked, "How many of you
have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,
except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how
a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: It's easy.......

"I outlived the bitches."
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|DRC| Iceman

Friday, April 22 2005, 03:19:29 #24779     Healthy Levels of Insanity

Healthy Levels of Insanity

Thought you might like this list...

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and
Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want
Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "IN."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. dontuseanypunctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical
Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."
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Friday, May 6 2005, 11:40:38 #25373     

hahaha lol!!!!! i geeked out for about 5 minutes reading these Stoned
|DRC| Marblecake

Saturday, May 14 2005, 19:11:22 #25796     

Ok heres one. Its called the screaming seagull. Say your on the beach with a nicelady and things turn out for the better. You do your thing then shes like harder faster, more more more.

So this is what you do. Pull out, dip your dong in the sand and put it back in. Whens she screams theres your screaming seagul.
"Shrink" Are you a assasin? "Me" Assasin sounds so exotic. Im just a murderer.
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|DRC| Blackshark

Sunday, July 24 2005, 13:42:21 #27645     

two funny games for our alcoholics

Marblecake Laughing
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Tuesday, July 26 2005, 03:32:48 #27749     

I like the one where you have to keep the guy walking.

Speaking of drunks falling down http://www.collegehumor.com/movies/1596748/
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|DRC| Marblecake

Sunday, July 31 2005, 10:11:55 #27870     

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He Zipped up and finished shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door: He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffle bags."
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|DRC| Wartex

Sunday, July 31 2005, 13:53:27 #27875     



Mr Green
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|DRC| Wartex

Sunday, July 31 2005, 13:59:46 #27876     

http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures/253/ ROFL
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Sunday, July 31 2005, 14:05:28 #27877     

now THATS attractive!
46 and 2
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Thursday, August 4 2005, 06:54:42 #27940     

|DRC| Wartex wrote:
http://www.collegehumor.com/pictures/253/ ROFL

Yahhhhh a rave!!!!! is that devil? jk Smile
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|DRC| Iceman

Thursday, August 4 2005, 12:57:55 #27945     

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
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|DRC| Iceman

Thursday, August 4 2005, 13:04:26 #27946     

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
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|DRC| Iceman

Thursday, August 4 2005, 13:19:10 #27947     

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
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|DRC| Iceman

Thursday, August 4 2005, 13:26:49 #27948     


Mr Green
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|DRC| Iceman

Tuesday, August 23 2005, 04:25:24 #28510     Bobs Story

Bob's Story:

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for
his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The
doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob!
How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like
his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is
becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share
lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him
and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting
into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

This one is good.....

"Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time".
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Tuesday, August 23 2005, 04:46:30 #28512     

ROFL poor bob
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Thursday, September 29 2005, 03:14:20 #29037     

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna go bike riding?!?!?!
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|DRC| Wang

Tuesday, October 11 2005, 22:22:18 #29253     

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, one to screw in the lightbulb and the other to suck my dick!
I see Honesty and Greed fighting with lightsabers. Honesty is decapitated, and Greed takes a steamy piss on the dead body. -Wartex Maul 3:16-
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|DRC| Wang

Tuesday, October 11 2005, 22:22:54 #29254     

How do you make a dead baby float?

add rootbeer.
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|DRC| Iceman

Wednesday, October 12 2005, 04:00:12 #29269     

|DRC| Wang wrote:
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, one to screw in the lightbulb and the other to suck my dick!

LMAO Exclaim nice one Exclaim
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|DRC| Wang

Thursday, October 13 2005, 19:42:48 #29313     

George used to be a normal person much like everyone else. But for years he was involved in a highly unfortunate marriage with a very unstable woman. One evening he woke up to find his wife on top of him holding his newly severed penis in her bloody hands. A highly controversial trial and conviction George was finally free of the psychopatic bitch and awarded a heavy sum of money from insurance.

Doctors however were unable to re-attach his penis so measures were taken to locate George a new "viable" replacement. He soon was approached by a pulizer prize winning doctor with a radical idea. He proposed George have his penis replaced by the trunk from a baby elephant that he had failed in saving it's life from poachers.

After much deliberation between himself, experts, family and friends he finally decided to let the quack have a shot at it. After all, an elephant trunk...hehe...think of the posibilities. The operation was a success and the new penis functioned in every way a normal one would.

Gaining much confidence from his new member he began to date many women. While sitting at dinner with a young attractive woman the converstation sat mostly on small talk. When suddenly he felt a stirring in his trousers. He dismissed it. More small talk, and he feels it again. Ever so non-shalantly his penis flops out of his pants and worms its way over the top of the table grabbing a dinner roll from the middle and disappearing back underneath the table. George was stunned. He did'nt know what to do, or even how to explain what had happened.

The attractive young woman sitting across from him was in a state of shock. She could'nt tell if what she had seen was real or a figment of her imagination. Once again his member reaches up and grabs another roll from the basket and disappears back under the table.

Tripping over his words he trys to explain his personal predicament to her. As he is stuttering he looks over and notices that she has an evil grin on her face. "Can you do that again" she asks. George replies "I'm not sure, I think so. But I dont think I could fit a third roll up my ass". Stoned
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Thursday, October 13 2005, 23:40:40 #29317     

A Professor's writing experiment proves men ARE different from women. Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class:

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.


This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.


Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"








In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.


A+ - I really liked this one.


Thursday, October 13 2005, 23:43:52 #29318     

A man and his friend were bowhunting for deer near a blacktop highway in rural Pennsylvania.

A huge buck walks by and the hunter carefully draws to full draw and takes careful aim.

Before he can release his arrow, his friend alerts him to a funeral procession passing by on the road near their stand.

The hunter slowly lets off the pressure on his bow, takes off his hat, bows his head and closes his eyes in prayer.

His friend remarks, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful, touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugs... "Yeah, well... we were married for 35 years."

Friday, October 14 2005, 00:13:19 #29319     

Ahahaha, excellent Smile
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|DRC| Death

Wednesday, October 19 2005, 13:05:56 #29532     

If you want lame jokes, just get 'old of me Mr Green
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|DRC| Wang

Wednesday, October 19 2005, 18:00:06 #29543     

Um...I believe that's kinda the idea behind this thread. Instead of suggesting that someone track you down just go ahead and post a couple... Rolling eyes
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Wednesday, October 19 2005, 21:09:38 #29558     

Heres a bad one...

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.
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|DRC| Wartex

Wednesday, October 19 2005, 22:17:29 #29568     

MyKr0 wrote:
Heres a bad one...

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

Supposedly someone will wonder why it's brown and/or sticky. Answer will definitely have something to do with fecal matter and be a personal insult.

Did I guess?
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Wednesday, October 19 2005, 22:27:32 #29573     

The answer is right there. Smile A stick. Sticky, as in , Stick-like? Don't how else to put it.
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